Archives for February 2014

Update: While Valentine’s Day is over, these keys to a rock solid marriage are things we can focus on all year long! Not married? Check out my post: Leaving Doubt Behind & Choosing to Trust.

Are you ready for Valentine’s Day? Maybe you’ve made reservations for dinner, arranged childcare, and picked out the perfect card.

But have you really prepared to honor your relationship on a deeper level?

It’s easy to get caught up in the flair of Valentine’s Day with the flurry of red and white hearts that now start appearing in stores the day after Christmas.

What if this year, instead of focusing on pink decorations, good food, and the perfect gift, we determined to really prepare our hearts to use Valentine’s Day as a type of “reset” button for our marriages after the whirlwind of holidays the end of the year brings.

If preparation is truly the key to success, let’s jump in! Taking some time to be intentional about setting our marriages up for success is the first way to show our spouses love.

Every marriage has three key areas that need some TLC on a regular basis to keep the marriage relationship thriving, not just surviving. They are:

• Communication
• Finances
• Physical Intimacy

If we’ll set aside some time to focus on each area as Valentine’s Day approaches, our preparation will set the stage for a richer relationship for the rest of the year.

Communication

If I had to choose one reason why marriages thrive or struggle, this would be it. Communication affects everything!

My husband and I are about as opposite as they come. No joke – on the Meyers Briggs Personality Assessment, we’re completely opposite on every. single. letter. According to a book about personalities and relationships, this means our marriage is destined for struggles…unless we communicate well.

There’s so much to say about cultivating strong communication skills in your marriage, but for today, I’m going to focus on one practical resource that will give you a jump start on understanding your spouse and learning how to best communicate your love to him or her.

What is your Love Language?

The book 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts has sold over 8 million (MILLION!) copies. It was one of the first books Chuck and I read together as a couple and it opened our eyes in so many ways to understanding how we’re uniquely designed. It taught us to recognize and appreciate our differences and leverage them to create the best marriage possible. We learned how important it is for the strengthening of our marriage to be a lifelong pursuit, one that can be purposeful and fun for both of us!

So as you prepare for Valentine’s Day, choose to take one small step toward improved communication. Here are a few ideas:

1. Take the free assessment online to discover your love language

2. Buy the 5 Love Languages book (and read it!)

3. Ask your spouse what makes him or her feel loved. Listen to the answer and take action!

Finances

The second key area to building a successful marriage is getting (and staying!) on the same page about money with your spouse.

This study from 2012 determined that financial disagreements are the biggest predictor of divorce. Now this doesn’t mean that we can’t disagree about money, but it does shed some light on the importance of communicating about how we spend, save, and give our hard earned dollars.

As we prepare for Valentine’s Day, one way we can strengthen our marriages is to review your budget {you DO have one, right?}.

I know, B.U.D.G.E.T. can sometimes be a scary word, but let me tell you – coming from someone who cried every month on the 15th of the month during the first few years of our marriage because I thought we weren’t going to have enough money to pay the bills, having a budget = FREEDOM.

Instead of wondering whether or not the money will stretch until the end of the month, you have a plan and a purpose for each dollar. It makes all the difference in the world!

For us, the answer to our budgeting fears came in the form of a class at church called Financial Peace University. Along with a group of other like-minded couples {also in debt and arguing about money every month}, we worked through 13 weeks of videos and discussions with concrete action steps.

The program has now been shortened to 9 weeks and is available online, in person, or through a home study. From personal experience, the accountability that comes from an in person group works wonders toward keeping you on track, but any choice that helps you  start using a budget that works will start you on that journey to freedom!

So commit to taking at least one action this Valentine’s Day toward strengthening your marriage in the area of finances.

While everyone’s situation is different, here are some ideas that worked for us:

1. Have a conversation about your current financial state with your spouse. Make sure you both have eaten and are not tired. Hungry+tired+money conversation=bad idea! {ask me how I know…}

So rest, eat, and pray first – then start the conversation. Determine ahead of time not to argue, just to get on the same page about where you are currently and dream about where you’d like to be.

2. Check out the Dave Ramsey baby steps on how to get out of debt and live financially free. 

3. Ready to commit to making financial freedom a priority in your marriage? Click on the Class Finder and sign up for a Financial Peace University class. It may be the best decision you ever make for the health of your marriage!

Physical Intimacy

There was a time early in my marriage when I told my husband that if I never had sex again, it would be fine with me. I wasn’t being vindictive, just honest.

Ya’ll.

Apparently I wasn’t doing it right.

{embarrassed giggles}

Since then we have committed to make physical intimacy (not just sex) a priority in our marriage.

The things you focus on improve. The things you ignore get worse. 

And sex is something that the world is 100% fine with talking about in every capacity in every media outlet there is…yet as Christian married couples, we hardly ever dare to broach the subject with our own spouse, much less other Christian married couples.

It’s time to break the silence and make physical intimacy a priority. 

Sex is a byproduct of a good marriage. It’s a gift God gives us as a way of expressing our true love for one another, a reward for loving each other with excellence in all the other areas of our relationship.

If you’re skeptical about this one, I challenge you to read Song of Solomon. It’s clear God values and celebrates the physical relationship, desire, and passion that he created within us for our spouse. 

As you prepare to celebrate Valentine’s Day and set your marriage up for lasting success, here are three resources to help you give the physical intimacy aspect of your marriage the attention it needs and deserves:

1. Tune in to the ONE Extraordinary Marriage podcast (an online radio show). Hosted by Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo, there are over 200 episodes of FREE content available for your listening pleasure. Just download onto your phone, computer, or other device and listen in for extremely practical tips on physical intimacy from a Christian couple’s perspective.

For a more in-depth look at physical intimacy, check out their book: Stripped Down: 13 Keys to Unlocking Intimacy in Your Marriage [available in PDF, paperback, and as an audiobook].

 

2. Sometimes if talking about sex in your marriage has been a challenge in the past, you need something to get the conversation started.

My husband Chuck is a pastoral life coach specializing in pre-marital counseling, relationship life coaching, and spiritual direction. As a function of his business, Sage Garden Care Center, he and I are offering a workshop designed specifically to get you and your spouse talking about how to build intimacy that leads to a stronger physical relationship.

If you’ve struggled with knowing how to start a conversation about sex with your spouse or you want to hear from a real life Christian couple who has experienced struggles, challenges, and failures too, this webinar is for you!

The webinar will be held Sunday, February 16, 2014 at 9:00pm EST. All you need to be able to participate is a phone line. If you’re not able to make the live call, you will receive access to the recording after the event. To sign up or for more information, check out the sign up page for 5 Essentials to Re-Igniting the Sexual Spark in Your Marriage or click the graphic below.

UPDATE: The re-play of the webinar is now available. Just sign up & you will receive access to the webinar recording electronically or you may call in to listen if you prefer. You’ll also receive a 4 page resource guide packed with links to hundreds of hours of content and pages of information specifically on the topic of physical intimacy within the Christian marriage.

So let’s recap…

To prep your marriage for a stellar Valentine’s Day and beyond, focus on these 3 keys to a rock solid marriage:

1. Communication

2. Finances

3. Physical Intimacy

Make these three areas a priority in your marriage and you are well on your way to building a marriage with a strong, rock solid base that can help you weather the more challenging times. God will honor your efforts and bless you with a deeper love for one another!

Please share your best “keep your marriage strong” tip in the comments so we can all benefit from one another’s wisdom! 

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Blessings for a wonderful Valentine’s Day and a stronger marriage!

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