Update: While Valentine’s Day is over, these keys to a rock solid marriage are things we can focus on all year long! Not married? Check out my post: Leaving Doubt Behind & Choosing to Trust.
Are you ready for Valentine’s Day? Maybe you’ve made reservations for dinner, arranged childcare, and picked out the perfect card.
But have you really prepared to honor your relationship on a deeper level?
It’s easy to get caught up in the flair of Valentine’s Day with the flurry of red and white hearts that now start appearing in stores the day after Christmas.
What if this year, instead of focusing on pink decorations, good food, and the perfect gift, we determined to really prepare our hearts to use Valentine’s Day as a type of “reset” button for our marriages after the whirlwind of holidays the end of the year brings.
Before anything else, preparation is the key to success. Alexander Graham Bell – photo credit
If preparation is truly the key to success, let’s jump in! Taking some time to be intentional about setting our marriages up for success is the first way to show our spouses love.
Every marriage has three key areas that need some TLC on a regular basis to keep the marriage relationship thriving, not just surviving. They are:
- Communication
- Finances
- Physical Intimacy
If we’ll set aside some time to focus on each area as Valentine’s Day approaches, our preparation will set the stage for a richer relationship for the rest of the year.
Communication
If I had to choose one reason why marriages thrive or struggle, this would be it. Communication affects everything!
My husband and I are about as opposite as they come. No joke – on the Meyers Briggs Personality Assessment, we’re completely opposite on every. single. letter. According to a book about personalities and relationships, this means our marriage is destined for struggles…unless we communicate well.
There’s so much to say about cultivating strong communication skills in your marriage, but for today, I’m going to focus on one practical resource that will give you a jump start on understanding your spouse and learning how to best communicate your love to him or her.
What is your Love Language?
The book 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts has sold over 8 million (MILLION!) copies. It was one of the first books Chuck and I read together as a couple and it opened our eyes in so many ways to understanding how we’re uniquely designed. It taught us to recognize and appreciate our differences and leverage them to create the best marriage possible. We learned how important it is for the strengthening of our marriage to be a lifelong pursuit, one that can be purposeful and fun for both of us!
So as you prepare for Valentine’s Day, choose to take one small step toward improved communication. Here are a few ideas:
1. Take the free assessment online to discover your love language
2. Buy the 5 Love Languages book (and read it!)
3. Ask your spouse what makes him or her feel loved. Listen to the answer and take action!
photo credit: kenteegardin via photopin cc
Finances
The second key area to building a successful marriage is getting (and staying!) on the same page about money with your spouse.
This study from 2012 determined that financial disagreements are the biggest predictor of divorce. Now this doesn’t mean that we can’t disagree about money, but it does shed some light on the importance of communicating about how we spend, save, and give our hard earned dollars.
As we prepare for Valentine’s Day, one way we can strengthen our marriages is to review your budget {you DO have one, right?}.
I know, B.U.D.G.E.T. can sometimes be a scary word, but let me tell you – coming from someone who cried every month on the 15th of the month during the first few years of our marriage because I thought we weren’t going to have enough money to pay the bills, having a budget = FREEDOM.
Instead of wondering whether or not the money will stretch until the end of the month, you have a plan and a purpose for each dollar. It makes all the difference in the world!
photo credit: kenteegardin via photopin cc
For us, the answer to our budgeting fears came in the form of a class at church called Financial Peace University. Along with a group of other like-minded couples {also in debt and arguing about money every month}, we worked through 13 weeks of videos and discussions with concrete action steps.
The program has now been shortened to 9 weeks and is available online, in person, or through a home study. From personal experience, the accountability that comes from an in person group works wonders toward keeping you on track, but any choice that helps you start using a budget that works will start you on that journey to freedom!
So commit to taking at least one action this Valentine’s Day toward strengthening your marriage in the area of finances.
While everyone’s situation is different, here are some ideas that worked for us:
1. Have a conversation about your current financial state with your spouse. Make sure you both have eaten and are not tired. Hungry+tired+money conversation=bad idea! {ask me how I know…}
So rest, eat, and pray first – then start the conversation. Determine ahead of time not to argue, just to get on the same page about where you are currently and dream about where you’d like to be.
2. Check out the Dave Ramsey baby steps on how to get out of debt and live financially free.
3. Ready to commit to making financial freedom a priority in your marriage? Click on the Class Finder and sign up for a Financial Peace University class. It may be the best decision you ever make for the health of your marriage!
photo credit: Sean Molin Photography via photopin cc
Physical Intimacy
There was a time early in my marriage when I told my husband that if I never had sex again, it would be fine with me. I wasn’t being vindictive, just honest.
Ya’ll.
Apparently I wasn’t doing it right.
{embarrassed giggles}
Since then we have committed to make physical intimacy (not just sex) a priority in our marriage.
The things you focus on improve. The things you ignore get worse.
And sex is something that the world is 100% fine with talking about in every capacity in every media outlet there is…yet as Christian married couples, we hardly ever dare to broach the subject with our own spouse, much less other Christian married couples.
It’s time to break the silence and make physical intimacy a priority.
Sex is a byproduct of a good marriage. It’s a gift God gives us as a way of expressing our true love for one another, a reward for loving each other with excellence in all the other areas of our relationship.
If you’re skeptical about this one, I challenge you to read Song of Solomon. It’s clear God values and celebrates the physical relationship, desire, and passion that he created within us for our spouse.
As you prepare to celebrate Valentine’s Day and set your marriage up for lasting success, here are three resources to help you give the physical intimacy aspect of your marriage the attention it needs and deserves:
1. Tune in to the ONE Extraordinary Marriage podcast (an online radio show). Hosted by Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo, there are over 200 episodes of FREE content available for your listening pleasure. Just download onto your phone, computer, or other device and listen in for extremely practical tips on physical intimacy from a Christian couple’s perspective.
For a more in-depth look at physical intimacy, check out their book: Stripped Down: 13 Keys to Unlocking Intimacy in Your Marriage [available in PDF, paperback, and as an audiobook].
2. Sometimes if talking about sex in your marriage has been a challenge in the past, you need something to get the conversation started.
My husband Chuck is a pastoral life coach specializing in pre-marital counseling, relationship life coaching, and spiritual direction. As a function of his business, Sage Garden Care Center, he and I are offering a workshop designed specifically to get you and your spouse talking about how to build intimacy that leads to a stronger physical relationship.
If you’ve struggled with knowing how to start a conversation about sex with your spouse or you want to hear from a real life Christian couple who has experienced struggles, challenges, and failures too, this webinar is for you!
The webinar will be held Sunday, February 16, 2014 at 9:00pm EST. All you need to be able to participate is a phone line. If you’re not able to make the live call, you will receive access to the recording after the event. To sign up or for more information, check out the sign up page for 5 Essentials to Re-Igniting the Sexual Spark in Your Marriage or click the graphic below.
UPDATE: The re-play of the webinar is now available. Just sign up & you will receive access to the webinar recording electronically or you may call in to listen if you prefer. You’ll also receive a 4 page resource guide packed with links to hundreds of hours of content and pages of information specifically on the topic of physical intimacy within the Christian marriage.
So let’s recap…
To prep your marriage for a stellar Valentine’s Day and beyond, focus on these 3 keys to a rock solid marriage:
1. Communication
2. Finances
3. Physical Intimacy
Make these three areas a priority in your marriage and you are well on your way to building a marriage with a strong, rock solid base that can help you weather the more challenging times. God will honor your efforts and bless you with a deeper love for one another!
Please share your best “keep your marriage strong” tip in the comments so we can all benefit from one another’s wisdom!
Also, if you think this post will benefit someone you know, please use the social media buttons at the top of the post to share it.
Blessings for a wonderful Valentine’s Day and a stronger marriage!
Sharing with Works for Me Wednesday, Whole Hearted Wednesdays, Wedded Wednesday, Whimsical Wednesday, Wifey Wednesday, What to Read Wednesday, and Family Fun Friday. This post contains affiliate links {full disclosure}.
First off- I so love that you are blogging. And I love that you do so authentically.
But I have to tell you that I just about wet my pants with the Bedroom Blessings store!
The hubs is planning to give me a gift card! Ha!
Love your heart LeeAnn!
(I’ll let you know if I do, in fact, get a gift card!)
Good tips! Thanks 🙂
Stopping by from the Comment Love Tribe!
While I am not married, not even engaged, these are all things that I discuss with my boyfriend as we look to these things in the future. It is really important to be on the same page as your partner in a relationship.
Lauren #SITSBlogging
Glad you were able to get something out of the post even though you’re not married or engaged. My husband works with engaged couples doing pre-marital counseling and you’re right, it’s so important to be on the same page with these topics. Thanks for stopping by!
Great tips! I agree with communication being key, for sure! My husband and I are complete opposites as well. I know his love language, but it does not come naturally to me at all…so thanks for a great reminder to speak to him in his love language! Stopping by from SITS Girls ~Krissa (https://www.morethanmundane.com)
I agree, speaking my husband’s love language (physical touch) does not come naturally to me either. It takes effort to remember that I need to focus on that as much as I need him to focus on acts of service and quality time for me to feel love. Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for sharing these tips!
Great open article with a little humor. I admire your writing and will be stopping by just to take time to read. #SITSBlogging
All of these are important but communication is number 1.
I’m not a fan of sex help books or Dave Ramsey, but I think you’re right on target with the three areas to focus on, and the rest is just details 🙂
Mostly I love the reminder to focus on our actual marriage and not red hearts and doilies and chocolate. Those things are nice, but a great marriage is so much better!
I do believe communication is one good key to a successful marriage and having your finances in order creates less stress on your marriage but there are special circumstances that couples cannot have sex . There are other ways to show your spouse you love them and feel connected to them besides sex. #sitsblogging
Kim ~ This Ole Mom
Kim,
I completely agree that sex is not the only way to show your spouse you love them and feel connected. I work with cancer patients on a daily basis, so I know there are many situations where sex either is not possible or practical for couples. Physical intimacy includes a wide variety of things, with sex being one of them. That’s one thing I love about the ONE Extraordinary Marriage podcast – they talk about intimacy in all forms, not just sex. My husband and I will be talking about that as well in our webinar on Sunday. Thanks for visiting from SITS Girls!
LeeAnn
Great Tips and so helpful…Thank you so much for sharing #SITSBlogging
What a wonderful reminder of what’s really important, should be valued and needs our attention in a marriage. Especially in light of the commercial bombardment we get around Valentine’s Day. Thanks for your honesty, sincerity, transparency and vulnerability to share this with all of us!
Year-Round Fruit Salad
My husband and I love Dave Ramsey! #SITSblogging
Layne
What a powerful post! After 11 years of marriage, I can say you’re spot-on, especially on the intimacy part. When we were full force in the middle of having our three kids over a period of 5 years, that was probably the most trying part of our marriage because babies don’t leave much for intimacy! Thanks for sharing your words of Christian wisdom. #SITSBlogging
Great tips! My husband and I have been married only three years and have three kids (2 since pregnant with our first as a honeymoon baby and his 10yo daughter we got custody if while I was pregnant with our second). We struggle and at times it’s hard, but we’ve had a ton of life changes in a short period of time, so I think we’re doing pretty well. We can definitely benefits from these insights and suggestions! Stopping by from SITS!
I enjoyed reading your post and hearing about Bedroom Blessings. #SITSBlogging
It is always important to have open honest conversations with your partner. Often finances and intimacy are the things that are the most uncomfortable to discuss but for the sake of your marriage it is a must.
Hi LeAnn!!
You have a lovely and informative blog here!! I read the book on love languages last year and was just amazed by its revelation!
Keep up the awesome work!
What a very thorough list. I’ve been married for almost 34 years…not sure how well we do on most levels. It’s a journey. #sitsblogging
Such a great post — I think you’re spot on. I actually just called my husband in to tell him about your post and he agreed too! 🙂 I know we should make our marriages a priority everyday, but it’s nice to use valentine’s day and our anniversaries as a day to recommit and refocus on keeping our marriages alive and healthy. #SITSBlogging
I really liked this post, and I love your writing style!! These tips were great. I’m on my second marriage, and it is so perfect this time around. Partly because we’ve both made mistakes before and we are determined to do whatever it takes this time around. I’m excited to follow your blog.
i love this! especially #2 and #3. i’ve been on and off trying to budget, and am checking out the recommended podcast now. thanks so much for being open about all of this!
My husband and I (pastors) are in the middle of a relationship series we are doing together at our church. Last Sunday the topic was “Sex, Lies & Alibis” and we mentioned some of these same points. Wish I would have seen this post before last week. 🙂
I’m always referring back to the book, “5 Love Languages.” Thanks so much for sharing such wonderful information that every couple needs.
I am so thankful that my husband is so good at handling our money. He makes the money and tells me what I can spend. I’m cool with that! 🙂
LeeAnn,
Thanks for the great words and inspiring ideas about how to keep our marriages solid. I really liked how you included so many links and ideas to help us keep our marriages on track! It is so important to be active in making marriage work. It is a living thing, needing constant nourishment and care! I always love to say that love is a verb – it is an action word and we don’t just fall in and out of love. It is a conscious decision. Like your posts and your ideas! Thank you!
and whatever you do, make sure that God is involved…. 😀
I LOVE this post!!! I am subscribing right after this!! I can appreciate all that you said and even though I am unmarried, I can use this for future wisdom and the financial peace u for now!! Thank you for your transparency!!
I’ve been married for well over thirty years… to my very best friend and the one who understands me better than anyone else. Being open and honest is our key. We are very different people with very different interests, but at the end of the day we are oh so together!
Awesome tips! Thanks for sharing!
Communication is key in any relationship. Without it you can’t discuss finances or even have intimacy. My husband has a hard time communicating. Not just with me, but his ex wife over their daughter and his mother. It definitely makes for way too many difficult times in our relationship. We’ve been to therapy, but it doesn’t seem to help. We’ve even read the 5 Love Languages at the advice of our pastor. Well, I read it, he didn’t. So, I often wonder if he’s really ‘all in’ this relationship.
Thank you so much for the reminder on 3 keys to a rock solid marriage and looking beyond Valentine’s Day. I agree that Communication, Finance, and Physical Intimacy are the keys in maintaining your marriage. I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have to work on all of the above, and it becomes more challenging when children are involved in the picture. However, I believe that if you work at it and you and your partner are on the same page you can have a fruitful marriage. I am #45 on the commentthon so feel free to comment when you have a chance too! Thanks again!
3 KEY points in any relationship. If both parties are willing to make the effort in all 3 areas then you are successful already. Great post!
Thanks for sharing at Family Fun Friday. Featuring and Pinned! https://www.happyandblessedhome.com/2014/02/family-fun-friday-week-57.html
Monica
Great tips! Thanks for sharing them!!! Communication is such a big one, which helps with all the others!
Good sound advice. This year was busy for us so we didn’t have time as a couple to celebrate Valentine’s but we did make time for a fun family activity. Next year we’ll plan for something for us too!
Another wonderful post!
You’ve listed some really good things to work on.
Marriage is such a blessing and it is worth the continued hard work to make it great!
Thanks for the good advise.
This is a great post pa ked with all kinds of useful I formation. I am going to pin this! I need to get the love language book!
Great post! All you have mentioned here is just so true!
I agree completely. I would also strongly recommend Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy and Karen Evans. They are an excellent, real, and transparent Christian resource for marriage and their words have changed my marriage personally. I will definitely check out your resources as well! Marriage is a life-long journey, and it requires constant attention to keep it on track.
Great great GREAT tips! I wish every woman would know this. I strive to try to keep my hubby happy and healthy.
I appreciate that you talk about physical intimacy beyond just sex. I have found that my marriage gets stronger when we both focus on physical touch throughout the day, not just in the bedroom.
Yes, at our house we call it “non-sexual affection” and it makes a big difference when this is incorporated into the marriage!
I agree with all this but comunication is absolutely key first and formost.
Completely agree. I have read the 5 Love Languages, although I have yet to get him to read it :), and we took FPU together which changed both of us in how we look at and deal with money. We sometimes need help in the general communication department, but overall, we do pretty well. Seven years and no signs of stopping. Thank you for sharing.
Loved your post and totally agree about he budgeting thing. Agreeing on what is coming in and going out and where it all goes can really help create a stress free environment 🙂
Very good tips. I need to work on some of them. Thank you for the timely post. 🙂 I hope you have a great day!
So so true. Great tips! Communication is definitely an important key to marriage. Then everything follows. Stay blessed and happy!
I think a huge key is to not give up too easy. I truly believe so marriages end because someone just gives up the fight. Marriage is a fight!! To make it work we have to want it and to not give up.
I guess knowing each others dreams and supporting each other in those dreams. Making date nights a priority also helps.
I agree, communication is the most important thing. If you can talk to each other it makes everything in life easier. Willingness to work hard helps too. 🙂 Great post, thanks for sharing.
Great post LeeAnn, some definite words of wisdom here! I’m going back to check out the resource links you’ve included…
Awesome tips! Communication is definitely big on our list. Without this everything can go wrong.
What a great post! I am always looking for resources to keep our marriage strong. I LOVE the 3 points they are the one that cause more provokes and the ones, as you said, that if you agree on can be the ones that hold you together even through tough times! Thank you for sharing all the resources I have a feeling I will be reading more if your posts.
What a great post about marriage! I definitely agree that communication is key. I always make my husband sit down and talk about things when we encounter difficulties. Thank you for your advice!
-Lara
Thank you for sharing these tips. We read the 5 Love Languages when we first got engaged. It was part of the classes we had to take. I am not sure how much it has helped. We still have our ups and downs, and life has changed us through the years. Not really sure where we are in our marriage at this point, other than comfortable with things the way they are 🙂 Visiting from Commentathon
Good post…love the focus on communication. We will celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary in July and without communication we would never have made it! I am thankful for what I have learned down through the years…it has helped me understand my husband and grow to love him even more…just for being him. ♥
This was a truly helpful post….particularly with so many additional links to more information if desired.
The love and respect for your husband shines through in the words and descriptions you choose. It is refreshing to read.
After 18 years together, we’ve really learned that communication is the key. Learning to let the unimportant things go and praising each other have become a healthy part of our success.
I absolutely LOVE the idea to make Valentine’s Day a chance to sharpen your relationship (and also love the areas you suggested focusing on!). My fiancé and I don’t really like the idea of having Hallmark determine when we’re going to celebrate our relationship…we feel like we can do so whenever we choose, all throughout the year! But at the same time, every time Valentine’s Day rolls around, I feel like I’d feel left out if we didn’t do *something* to celebrate…so we succumb to the societal pressure and typically go out to dinner and get each other some kind of gift (although we usually go for something with some kind of practical merit instead of the perishable and typical flower and candy gift). I’m going to bookmark this post though (and hopefully remember it for next year!). We have an amazing relationship that often doesn’t feel like it needs “work”, but it also can’t hurt to spend time focusing on just us and how we can grow closer! Thanks for these ideas. 🙂
Yep, this is a great post. We’ve done the 5 love languages and FPU, so maybe I should look at Bedroom Blessings on your recommendation? I agree with you about needing to focus on communication. I know that it helps us tons when we communicate well. If that’s missing, a bunch of other stuff is off in our house too.
Kendra, I’d definitely suggest checking out Bedroom Blessings WITH your spouse. It will open up all kinds of communication and I promise…will have you laughing too!!
Absolutely agree with you! Communication is key to any successful relationship. Without we lose our connection and eventually interest in our partner. I can relate to financial stability as an important factor in a good marriage. We had our tough times too and aside from that struggle we struggled with each other. Being financially free lifts a great burden. Great post and well written.
You clearly have a great marriage, and your husband be an amazing man to get a woman that is so clearly attractive as you. I mean, I have seen some beautiful women in my time, but you really have the stuff. Clearly your communication methods have worked. He must love to get up and serve you all the time. I know I would, just so I could be close to you. I wish you both the best.
Great post. I also write about how to have happy, successful marriages. These are three great tips for couples. Thanks for sharing.
If you have these 3 areas right, you can tackle anything together.
I read on another blog some time ago that you should complain about your husband to HIS mother. Because if you complain about him to YOUR mother, she’ll never forgive him…like you will. You can’t change his mother’s opinion of him. I wish I would have known that at the beginning!
I recently picked up 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, but haven’t had the chance to read it yet. My concentration in school is Couples, Marital and Family Therapy, so it’s certainly a book that will come in handy not only in practice, but in personal use. From what I’ve read of the book, I think they’re right on track with what’s said in the book and I cannot wait to read it! Great post, I think you hit the nail on the head!