I lay in bed, my head tucked into the crook of my husband’s arm, tears escaping from my weary eyes. Attempts at explaining how I’m feeling to the one person in the world who cares about me more than any other fail me.
The words “I don’t know” escape my lips over and over and he holds me closer.
All this striving to do things right, to do the practical things necessary to grow in my faith, to really trust God in the hard moments, and I’m still feeling like it’s not enough.
And I realize, old habits die hard.
The cycle of perfectionism, of feeling I must give 100% to absolutely everything, fearing failure, and then still feeling like it’s not enough, after awhile stops me in my tracks, yet again.
photo credit: Daniela Vladimirova via photopin cc
It was just 5 short months ago after reading Emily Freeman’s book Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life that I started to realize the danger of constantly comparing my actual performance to this perfect version of me I had concocted in my mind.
“It’s time to read it again,” I said to my husband, after the tears had stopped; and he did what all good husbands do, listen.
Emily’s words, filled with the rawness of her story and God’s truth, broke open my heart and started the healing process.
I need the reminder again and again that I’m enough. That I’m pre-approved. That it’s God who picks up the pieces of my broken life and crafts them into a masterpiece, not me.
Sometimes the reminder comes in the form of God’s word. Ephesians tells us we are God’s masterpiece, created anew in Christ. I love the truth that HE has planned the good things we are going to do, not us.
It’s not up to me to work and strive for approval. Instead, it’s my job to lean in, to listen for God’s Spirit to lead me in the good things he has planned for me.
What freedom!
Other times the reminder comes through sweet friends. Thank you Rebekah for putting words to my calling as a writer in a way that spoke directly to my heart and into my life as confirmation from God that yes, this is what He has for me in this season of my life. No more doubting, my words are making a difference and I will keep on.
And if God’s word on the page in black and white and a Christian sister’s encouragement isn’t enough, this week I listened to an interview with Jennifer Dukes Lee on the God-Centered Mom podcast talking about the release of her new book, Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval and Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes.
So I’m starting to get the message.
I’m pre-approved.
Worth it.
Enough.
Made perfect in Christ.
God’s masterpiece.
It’s my job to offer up my broken pieces and His job to make the work of art.
Oh friends, may we continue to grow together in this!
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I had one of those moments last weekend. I was so sad and I too crumbled into a tearful puddle into my husbands arms. We are pre-approved and we all need to remember that we are enough for them, and have to learn to be enough for us.
Aren’t we blessed that we have husbands who will take us into their arms and comfort us during those times?
Thank you. I understand. I’m actually writing a book right now about this- imperfect perfectionism. Thank you for sharing, for getting it. Laughing because Emily’s book is on the way to my house- finally reading it and looking forward to be freed further too.:)
Oh, Emily’s book will rock your world, in a good way. I’d love to help you promote your book when it comes out. It’s such a needed topic to discuss!
Thank you LeeAnn! I started reading “Grace For the Good Girl” the other night and have already underlined so much- speaking right to this Type A all the way.:)
Beautiful! I needed this encouragement….thank you!
He gets to make the plans, not us. Oh how I wish that had sunk in years ago (or yesterday). Great reminder her that it’s my place and responsibility to follow.
I am the exact same way…such a perfectionist and it gets in the way of living honestly and fearlessly. I understand so much where you are coming from. But, y’know, God has much more planned for us than living in that cramped mental battlefield. Here’s to embracing His freedom and striving to allow Him to work on us. Thank you for being open and honest. Hopping over from FMF!
Lovely words, as always, LeeAnn! This especially touched me: “It’s my job to offer up my broken pieces and His job to make the work of art.” There are so many times that I don’t offer up my pieces because I think they aren’t good enough or don’t make sense or are just plain embarrassing. Then there are other times when I hit publish anyway and am blown away by the way God uses my words to encourage others. It is totally my job to be obedient to his call to share my story. It’s totally up to him what he does with it.
I know we are soul sisters. I have been reading Emily Freeman’s same book and relating in SO many ways. Which is a bit disconcerting. And I have found myself crying “I don’t know. I just don’t know…” so many times in the past. And not so distant past. So, yeah, I’m with you. And yes, you are worth it and pre-approved and all the other. And so am I. Which is hard to say sometimes. Always easier to say of someone else. Glad I found you and your words. They are touching lives. Write on. And can’t wait to meet you at Allume! 😀
All we have to do is follow Him into the good things He already planned for us. I needed to here those words this week! Thank you! Btw, I found you through Fellowship Fridays 🙂 Blessings to you!
LeeAnn . . . thank you for your gentle and honest encouragement. It is definitely a reminder we all need EVERY day of our life as we strive to be great mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, friends, and simply women.
A very large THANK YOU! Great encouragement for a weary soul! Sharing for others. Blessings to you & yours!
Thank you for writing these truths, Leeann. They resonate deep within my heart. In fact, I just wrote a post about the same topic (How I’m not good enough, and that’s ok because God’s grace preapproves me), and I feel like the blogosphere is lit with the glory of God in this message. What a wonderful work He’s doing!
Wow, Leann. We could be great friends. When I came over to check out your site, my eyes naturally fell on the Letting Go of Perfectionism post. I am right. there. with. you. And thank you for this post…a necessary reminder today to LET IT GO. (Sorry, that was totally not an intentional “Frozen” reference.) Anyhow, I cannot wait to be one of your regular readers! Btw, Emily Freeman. LOVE. HER.
Hi Amy!
Loved the Frozen reference. My 5 year old is quite the fan. So glad to have you as part of our little community here online! Battling the pull of perfectionism is something I work through on a daily basis for sure.
And wow, I spelled your name wrong. Because not only am I a perfectionist, I’m ADD…which messes me up big time. I’m so sorry, LeeAnn!!!
No worries, it’s been spelled a million different ways my whole life. And my husband is ADHD, so I understand and you’re fine! 🙂